Dating and New Relationships: Detailed Information

This information is meant to be a general introduction to this topic. The purpose is to provide a starting point for you to become more informed about important matters that may be affecting your life as a survivor and to provide ideas about steps you can take to learn more. This information is not intended nor should it be interpreted as providing professional medical, legal and financial advice. You should consult a trained professional for more information. Please read the Suggestions and Additional Resources documents for questions to ask and for more resources.

Many survivors find themselves dating during their survivorship. You may have been single when you went through treatment. You may have broken up with the person you were dating during your treatment, or your partner may have passed away. You may want to start dating again and begin a new, romantic relationship with someone. Survivors often find that dating after cancer is different than dating before cancer.

If you feel like your cancer experience has changed you, it’s possible that you will feel differently about dating and starting new relationships. You may find it easier than before or harder than before. It really depends on how you feel about yourself and how you feel about sharing with others. If you are having a hard time dating after cancer, it may help to know that many survivors have shared the same struggles and have overcome their difficulties.

Why is dating after cancer harder for some survivors?

Dating, with or without cancer, is hard for many people. Relationships with friends have psychological, social and emotional parts to them. When it comes to dating, these parts can feel even more intense and complicated.

Cancer survivors sometimes have to deal with many issues in their life after cancer that can make dating more complicated. Survivors may struggle with their body image, live with uncertainty about the future and have a hard time accepting the changes cancer has caused in their lives. Dealing with all of these concerns on your own can be difficult. Trying to date someone and share your intimate thoughts and feelings with him or her can seem even more difficult.

Some reasons why you might have a hard time dating after cancer:

• You feel unattractive, embarrassed or angry about changes in your body or physical appearance.
• You feel that your social skills aren’t as good as others your age, especially if you received treatment as a child or young adult, a time when most people develop social skills.
• You feel like you won’t be a good partner because you can’t have children.
• You worry how others may react to knowing you are a cancer survivor.
• You worry about what your future will be like and whether the person you are dating can give you the emotional support you need.
• You have changed a lot since you were diagnosed, and you aren’t sure how to express who you are now to others.

Why is dating after cancer easier for some survivors?

Some survivors feel that being a cancer survivor makes dating and starting new relationships easier.

Some reasons why you might find dating easier after cancer:

• You feel that your cancer experience has made you stronger and wiser and that these qualities will make you happier in your relationships.
• You feel that being a cancer survivor makes you special and that you have more to offer in a relationship.
• You appreciate relationships with people more.
• You view dating after cancer as one of the challenges that cancer brings and want to face it a positive way.

How can a survivor tell if s/he is having a difficult time dating after cancer?

For some survivors, it is obvious to them that they are struggling with dating after cancer. Sometimes survivors just feel generally unhappy and eventually realize that their unhappiness has something to do with dating.

Some questions that may help you figure out how you feel about dating include:

• How important is dating or being in a relationship to you?
• How much do you think about dating?
• What kinds of thoughts and feelings do you get when you think about dating or relationships?
• How do you feel when you date someone?

These questions may not help you find the reasons why dating is hard for you, but they can help you understand how important it is to you now. If the answers to these questions suggest that dating is hard for you, it may help to talk about your feelings with friends, family members or a professional counselor.

How many dates should a survivor go on before telling someone that s/he is a survivor?

Many survivors have said that one of the most challenging things about dating after cancer is knowing when to tell someone they are a cancer survivor. Survivors who are dating the same person they were dating when they were diagnosed probably won’t have to explain as much because their partner went through the experience with them. But if you are beginning a new relationship, determining the right time to tell someone about your cancer experience can be very stressful.

Some ways to tell the people you date that you are a survivor include:

• You wait to tell them because you want to get to know them better before you share something that you feel is very personal.
• You tell them right away to get it over with and see how they react.
• You take things on a case-by-case basis and tell people you are dating when the moment feels right.

Most survivors agree that no one else can decide for you when to tell someone. Many feel that it is better to know earlier than later, especially before the relationship gets serious. You have to decide for yourself when you are most comfortable telling someone that you are a survivor.

What are some suggestions for survivors who are having a hard time dating?

Below is a brief list. For more information see Suggestions.

• Get involved in activities where you can meet people and practice your social skills.
• Go to a support group to talk about dating with other survivors.
• If thinking about dating overwhelms you and you want professional help, find a counselor.
• Keep a journal of your thoughts about dating after cancer.

This document was produced in collaboration with:
Octavio Zavala
Project Coordinator-Teen Impact

Dating and New Relationships: Suggestions

Get involved in activities where you can meet people and practice your social skills:

• Practice being in a social situation and having conversations with someone you trust such as a good friend or a family member. These interactions may help improve your communication skills as well as your overall social skills.
• Try to meet new people and make new friends. Some survivors find it helpful to stop dating for a while and just focus on making new friends.
  
  Some examples of activities where you can to meet other people include:
  
  • Volunteering at a hospital
  • Joining a faith-based group
  • Taking a class
  • Joining a club

Go to a support group to talk about dating with other survivors.

Support groups provide a safe environment to share experiences with other survivors, learn new ways to handle difficult situations, and talk about emotions. You will see different styles of coping with stress and adjusting to life as a cancer survivor. If you are uncomfortable talking about certain subjects with your family or friends, a support group offers you a place to talk freely about what is important to you.

Cancer support groups exist in most communities. Some support groups only focus on group therapy, but others, especially ones for adolescents and young adults, have an equal or greater focus on socializing.

Some ways to find out about support groups in your area include:

• Ask your health care team for suggestions. Some cancer programs offer support groups for cancer survivors and their family members right in the clinic or hospital.
• Call a nearby cancer center or university hospital and ask about support groups.
• Call the American Cancer Society at 1-800-ACS-2345 (1-800-227-2345) and request a list of support groups and cancer centers in your area.
• Visit LIVESTRONG SurvivorCare at www.livestrong.org/survivorcare, or call 1-866-235-7205 for information on support groups.

If thinking about dating overwhelms you, consider discussing it with a professional counselor.

Ask a member of your health care team for a referral to a therapist who works with other cancer survivors. Most cancer centers employ oncology social workers who are specially trained to work with cancer survivors and their families. Even if you are not a patient at a cancer center, the oncology social worker may meet with you or refer you to someone else in the community.

Interview the therapist to find out if he or she is the right professional for you. Speak honestly with the therapist and let him or her know your reasons for wanting to work with a therapist.

Examples of questions to ask the therapist:

• What type of education background do you have?
• What license do you have?
• What is your experience working with people with cancer?
• What do you understand about the emotional response to this illness?
• Do you take my insurance?
• Do you work with people who are anxious? Depressed?
• Do you know community resources for people with cancer?

Keep a journal of your thoughts about dating after cancer.

Keeping a diary or journal may help you understand and find meaning in what is happening in your life. Writing down your thoughts and feelings about your experiences can help you feel more in control. It can also help you release emotions like fear and anxiety that you might be holding inside.

You are free to write about anything you like, including:

• Feelings
• Relationships
• Hopes and fears
• Poetry
• Your diagnosis and treatment
• Your life after treatment
• What it means to be a cancer survivor
• What it is like to talk to your family and friends about cancer
• Your plans for the present and the future

The journaling process may help you recognize areas in your life that you can feel good about and areas that you want to change. A journal can also help you understand when you might need professional help to understand your feelings.

Find a quiet, comfortable spot to do your writing. You can write for a few minutes or much longer. You can write several pages, a couple of lines or even just one word to express how you feel or what you are thinking.

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